When Past Hurts Still Hurt
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Have you ever gotten hurt picking up a new sport? That’s what happened to me a couple of years ago when I went skiing for the first time ever. Most of the day was fantastic, I was picking it up very quickly. Feeling overly confident, I decided to attempt the box grind. It was going really well, right up to the point I crashed onto my right shoulder. I brushed it off thinking I would just be sore for a couple of days.
A couple of days turned into a couple of weeks, which turned into a couple of months. Sure enough, over a year later my shoulder still hurt. I had numerous people tell me that I should get it looked at, telling me I should see a physical therapist. I didn’t listen and so I walked around with my shoulder every once in a while giving me pain.
Then one day I went to the gym to start working out. It was my first day on the Gym floor and as I started doing some overhead presses my shoulder gave out. I immediately realized I was in trouble because I had massive pain, not just in my shoulder, but my neck as well. I ended up finishing early and rushing home to see a physical therapist.
The Problem of Past Hurts
All that happened because I had a past hurt that still hurt. What do you do, when past hurts still hurt?
“But,” you say, “I’m a CHRISTIAN, My past hurts aren’t supposed to still hurt!”
Look at what the Psalmist writes:
“I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.” - Psalm 6:6-7
Sound familiar? We all have hurts, regardless of where we are in our spiritual journey. So why do we need to take care of past hurts?
Hurts are Transformed or Transferred
I’ve told you this before but I’ll say it again. Resentment and bitterness will always take your hurts and transfer them into hate. What is a Relational Wound? A relational wound is when a behavior that helped you survive a relationship in the past hinders a relationship in the present. When we are hurt relationally when we are wounded emotionally, we carry those hurts with us, and we all cope with them in some way.
For some your relational wounds are from your family of origin. You were raised in a home that attempted to destroy you instead of helping you flourish. Perhaps your deepest wounds come from your spouse or maybe from your peers.
Let me give us a warning, whatever is not transformed, is transferred.
This past week I had to cancel some plans because I was feeling sick. As I cancelled I found myself incredibly depressed and angry. I was short-tempered the entire morning. It’s embarrassing to admit but as the kids were cleaning up after a painting activity I totally lost my cool with them. My wife ended up suggesting I remove myself and take a few minutes to regain my composure.
Why did I respond like that?
Growing up my family moved and I had to change schools during Jr. High. I ended up losing my group of friends but it was too late for me to break into any groups. I became the outsider of every group of friends from high school through to this day. So when I had the opportunity to go and hang out with some friends as a group. I wasn’t just canceling an outing, I was once again losing acceptance into a group. It felt like I was once again being forced into loneliness.
I became 12 years old again watching my friends go hang out without me. I then tried to deal with those emotions by trying to control how my kids were behaving.
What is not transformed will be transferred. We are not merely fighting our own relational wounds, we are fighting our great great great great grandparents' relational wounds because what is not transformed will be transferred.
Pray for God’s Involvement
That’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my story. The only way for us to begin healing from our relational wounds is forgiveness. I’m not here to compare hurts or even to say I understand your specific hurt. But I can tell you this—I know hurt. More importantly, God knows our hurts.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” - Hebrews 4:15 NIV
We have a God who can empathize with our weaknesses. He has suffered. He has walked this earth. He knows your pain. He knows your wounds. While those wounds might never heal in this life, there is comfort in the arms of our God. He is a God who offers forgiveness. Fly to the cross—and bring your wounds, desires, requests, joys, hopes, and pains to Him. For He loves you, is faithful and good.
Finally, pray for God to be deeply involved in the process of healing your relational wounds, His Spirit and His Word will guide you in how to forgive and how to bring freedom to your spirit.
